And how often have you heard it said that nice guys finish last?

Being nice or good is boring, in fact the term ‘do-gooder’ is considered to be a negative thing. No! If being painfully honest and telling it like it is, is being controversial or negative then thats the way to go. You might break a few egg along the way, might upset some overly sensitive people, but it works for comedians, it gets attention, it makes you visible and funny.

But do people really love you for it, or have you just attracted like-minded people into your life who feed off gossip and negativity, and now they’re feeding off you?

This personality description almost sounds cartoonish, entertaining to watch in a movie, but a nightmare if you had to live with someone like this. In reality, a negative persona is usually much more subtle and undermining - like a lead filling that releases toxins into your system in micro doses and warps you over time into a person you don’t want to be.

And therein lies the rub with a negative outlook, you are the one that suffers most. The exhaustion of

constant negative thoughts, and regrets when you express them at others before you can stop yourself.

Understanding what drives people on both ends of the positivity spectrum can be quite enlightening. In this edition, we will explore the key differences between positive and negative people—those who either light up a room or cast a shadow. And we will go through the five stages for going from a negative based personality to a positive, life-affirming personality.

Characteristics of Positive and Negative People

The characteristics of negativity and positivity go beyond mere mood; they shape how we experience the world and interact with those around us. Imagine stepping into a room filled with warmth and energy. That's the magic created by positive people, so what makes them tick?

I didn’t know whether to share the following joke/parable before starting this edition, but I will because it very effectively illustrates the extremes of an exaggerated positive and negative mindset:

A lawyer dies and meets St Peter at the gates of heaven. He tells her that because she has done exactly equal good and bad in her life, he will let her choose whether to spend eternity in heaven or hell.

'Okay' she agrees, 'so how will this work?'

'Simple, I will give you a glimpse of your favourite hobby in both heaven and hell, then you can choose. So what will it be?' St peter asks.

'Well, I do love cooking.' So off they go to the elevator and start descending to hell first, soon enough delicious food smells begin to fill the elevator as it comes to a stop and opens onto a large dining hall with long wooden tables. Along the centre of these tables are bowls of soup, and at the tables are people sat facing each other.

Back in the elevator and on the way up to heaven, St Peter asks, 'did you notice anything unusual?'

'Yes she said, all the people in the room were very silent, they seemed to glare at each other with deep mistrust. 'Oh! and they were so emaciated.'

'Yes they were,' said St Peter. 'Did you notice anything else?'

'Yes, I noticed something very strange about the cutlery, the spoons had very long handles which they couldn’t possibly get to their mouths.'

'Exactly right,' said St Peter as the elevator began to fill once more with delicious food smells.

The doors pinged open and she looked in eagerly to see how heaven would be different, but to her surprise, everything seemed to be exactly the same. The long wooden tables, the bowls of soup, and there again with those spoons with such long handles. There WAS once thing different about this place though, the people were happy and laughing together.

'I don’t get it,' said the lawyer, 'both have exactly the same food and everything, even down to those long-handled spoons, yet the atmospheres are so different. What am I missing?'

'The only difference said St Peter, is that in heaven the people have learned to feed each other.'

This joke is of course not intended to suggest that if you have a negative mindset you are selfish or self-centred, but what it does do is illustrate beautifully a mind made defensive and untrusting of those around it.

Gelotophobia is a fear of laughter, or more accurately, a fear that that laughter is about that person. I’ve experienced that in my younger years. Negativity and all its different manifestations is without too much doubt, a form of self harm and I’m keen to get to the five stages to a positively inspiring new persona now because the claustrophobia of remembering what it felt like is oppressing.

The feeling of always wanting to self-isolate but being desperate for company at the same time. The memory of an early girlfriend commenting that I always seemed mad at her. I wasn’t of course, I was always mad at myself for my inadequacies, but it illustrates how a negative, distrusting mindset can impact those around you.

I’ve always been attracted to people that inspire, make you feel a bit bigger by your mere association with them. A person that merely exudes confidence and being self-assured is inspiring, someone who will listen to you instead of just waiting their turn to talk is inspiring and attractive.

In 2019 Boris Johnson was elected Conservative Prime minister of the UK after a series of poor predecessors had led to Brexit and tanked the conservative party reputation. How did he do it when momentum and opinion poles were swinging towards Labour?

The difference for me was in the optimism and possibilities the two leaders inspired. Britains decline was already picking up speed but Boris laid out a vision that inspired, and gave people hope in a better future where Britain could once again be proud of itself, and prosper.

On the flip side, negative people can bring about a different vibe. Often, their outlook stems from ingrained habits and perceptions rather than conscious choice. While Boris Johnsons key strengths were the power of positivity and to inspire, Jeremy Corbin the opposition labour leader was seen as old school, and inextricably associated with trade unions who could cripple the economy with massive strikes at any time and bring the feel bad factor.

He also laid out a vision for the country that included massive spending, but coming from him it felt like he would just bankrupt the country instead of lift it up.

Think about someone who always anticipates the worst-case scenario. That's a classic pessimist. For these people, doubting outcomes becomes second nature. Negative expectations settle in their minds, casting shadows on even the brightest situations. It's not merely about having a bad day; it's about allowing negativity to take root as a habitual mindset.

When such pessimism clouds perspective, it leads to missed chances and creates drag to those nearest them.

Training your mind to instinctively exude positive thought patterns instead, bring the feel good factor to yourself, inspiring and building others up in your slipstream, after maybe a lifetime of negative forces have had free reign to shape your beliefs and personality, will take time and determination, and most of all, your desire to see them through. Beginning now.

The Five Transformational Stages to a Positive Persona

Stage 1. The Reboot - Changing your environment

We’ll kick off these five stages of a positively inspiring new persona with a difficult one, or at least, one that will take time. If you wake up in the morning and your heart sinks as the reality of your waking life floods back in. You rent the place you live, it’s run down, things don’t work, you can’t afford better.

It’s a dismal drizzly overcast cold day but you have to force yourself to get up early and pass more Off licences, betting shops, and fast food joints than any other kind of shop on your way to a low paying unsatisfying job where you feel invisible - and different.

If you have a friend in this dystopian reality, they’re probably losers who need someone to drink with, smoke a joint with, and complain about their life to. While your co-workers only know how to bad mouth the company and the boss, and gossip about others. Remember! You are the equal of the five people you hang out with most.

Deep down, you know you’re not meant for this life, you’re so much bigger and better than this, but you don’t exactly know what that feeling looks like or how to release it. So instead, you go to a bar after work, have some drinks to numb your brain from reality, then go home to bed. Where you wake up again in the early hours because the alcohol messes with your sleep patterns, and reality once again slides in.

It’s almost impossible to break a habit or addiction when you are surrounded by, and weighed down by reminders and triggers of what you want to escape from. And it’s also very easy for anybody to say, leave your job, move to a new place, make new friends. But even if you’re able to do this, if your mindset hasn’t also changed then you’ll just end up recreating your old life in the new place. You need three things to escape this cycle.

1. Inspiration. When you’re stuck in the kind of depressing cycle I’ve just described, and you don’t know how to get out of it, the only thing that will disrupt the pattern is something that captures your imagination and speaks to something deeper inside you. For me it was the discovery of a memory techniques program that changed everything and set me on a new path. I was actively looking for my inspiration and you must too.

2. Determination. A bottomless pit of it to keep you going once you’ve found a new path that will lead to new horizons.

3. Belief. Once the kind of life you want starts coming into focus, if you lack the belief you deserve it, or that its only for other people, then sadly that’s the way it will be.

Stage 2. The Reframe - Changing your mindset and focus.

Positive people have a remarkable knack for practicing gratitude. This focus enables them to shift their mindset from scarcity to abundance. Instead of dwelling on what they lack, they appreciate what they have. Gratitude isn't just a fleeting feeling for them—it's a daily ritual. Whether it be through journaling, or simply acknowledging the little moments of joy. Gratitude acts as their anchor, grounding them in positivity.

One of those revelatory mind-shift moments came to me one day in a property development seminar when the speaker asked what thoughts instinctively occur to you when you see a rich person. Someone living in a mansion, someone who drives around in a luxury sports car...

Are you jealous? Do you despise them? Do you think they’re compensating for something? Being show offs? That they had unfair advantages? They cheated and trampled on others to get what they’ve got? Their money is dirty and they’re probably tax dodging?

Then the speaker asked, if those are the thoughts you have about those who are, or already have what you want, how can you ever convince your mind that you deserve wealth and the good things in life when you’re asking it to become something you despise?

By the same principle, if you think positive people are faking it, they’re do-gooders, they want something in return, they’re only being positive because they have x, y, or z. then how can you become more like a person you so mistrust or look down on?

Whether you want health, wealth, happiness, to be a positive person people are attracted to, first celebrate those qualities when you see them in others. And yes, that means when someone drives past in a Lambo with a big grin on their face, mentally congratulate them on their success and leave it there 😊

Stage 3. The Frequency - Changing your internal dialogue

This one will be less like steering your car around a bend and more like steering a cruise liner. It will be a gradual change because internal dialogue comes from programmed responses that live in your subconscious. And because of that you will be using those negative responses without realising you’re doing it.

And its hard to stop doing something you’re not aware you’re doing until its too late - This includes thinking mean thoughts about others as well as putting yourself down.

It can be exhausting to have a constant stream of negativity passing through your mind, and when something happens like a moment of road rage, or someone unfairly taking their own frustrations out on you, triggering an emotional hijacking which floods your mind with negative thoughts. When this happens, remind yourself of whats actually happening –

someone is trying to unload their stress onto you.

It’s a selfish act, but it’s also all too human. To counter it become rubber and let it bounce back to them.

How do you do this?

An aspect of driving that’s always given me stress, until recently, is when your lane has to merge into another lane, and the cars in that other lane act like you’re queue jumping so try to block you from merging. When this happened again very recently and the inside lane driver, with much determination and righteous fury forced his car along the inside of mine and closed the gap on the car ahead to ensure I couldn’t merge ahead of him.

I suddenly burst out laughing at his childlike actions and thought to myself what an inadequate life he must have to become so enraged about defending the space in front of him. I knew he could probably see me laughing in his rear view mirror, so instead of him feeling like he had won some kind of battle and unloaded his frustration on to me, it came right back to him, and probably doubled his frustration.

Equally, if someone is unfairly chewing you out and venting their anger on you, instead of raising to their anger frequency and allowing their stress to transfer to you, stay on a calmer, more chilled out frequency where the stress cannot transfer and they will not get the release they seek at your expense.

Now how about the stress you give yourself? Have you ever caught yourself telling yourself that you’re stupid, an idiot etc? If this is happening then find a substitute word to use instead, and soon enough you’ll get into the habit of using it. I now often hear my wife telling herself how pretty she is 😊

Stage 4. The Rapport - Changing your energy profile

How does your energy compare to those around you? Or, if you work in a negative low energy environment, how does your energy compare to groups of strangers in a pub, in a café etc? Is there an engaged energy and spirit of people catching up, exchanging stories of the weeks events, talking animatedly about their news, gossip, plans, goals, dreams, passions etc.

And how does your baseline energy compare? Is it muted, your posture hunched, your eyes down, your voice lacking tone, your face missing a smile? Is your energy likely to raise up the group, blend in with the group, or bring the group down?

Dramatically uplifting your energy with those who know you will raise eyebrows and give instant fake vibes, and they would be right to think that. Or they may think you just won the lottery and want a slice of the pie, either way, you’re coming in hot and you won’t be able to sustain it, so aim for a simple 10% uplift in your energy instead.

...and when that becomes your baseline, add another 10%. That’s all it takes.

Let a slow smile spread across your face when you see someone you know, transmit to them you’re happy to see them instead of pretending you didn’t see them and looking away. Smile a genuine smile, laugh a genuine laugh when others do instead of being cool. This builds rapport and brings you into the ambiance. Be 10% more engaged, and when you speak, do so with 10% more excitement, animation, and tone.

Stage 5. The Transfer Stage – Positively charging others

This is all about the words you speak and the energy they transfer to others. Like bad reviews and lies that can travel the world before the truth gets its shoes on, its easier to spread low level negative vibes through complaining and gossip which makes up about 80% of most peoples conversation. Therefore, if you consciously start transmitting positive energy, it will be noticed more by others and will ignite a feelgood factor which they will associate with you.

Here’s two ways of doing it:

First – with an acknowledgement. When was the last time someone asked follow up questions after you’d just shared an anecdote, instead of launching into their own? When was the last time you truly felt heard? When it happens you notice because its not the 80% of standard conversation but maybe, at a stretch, the 8%. It’s not the norm to be explicitly acknowledged and validated.

Start with an agreement. When you agree with someone, instead of breezing on past it, nod and tell them so. This is a secret weapon of my daughter. When I say something she agrees with, she literally tells me so by saying, ‘I agree with you daddy.’ And the fact I can recall those simple words to mention here is proof in itself that an acknowledgement can be memorable, and create a positive feeling in another.

Second – give a positive reputation. This is a very simple, powerful thing to do. It’s the same as giving a compliment but with legs. You see, a normal compliment lives and dies in the moment, you tell someone they look good, they accept it, if they believe you, then they move on. A reputation compliment lives and continues to grow over time, if its done right. The ingredients for a reputation compliment are simply that it has to be roughly three quarters true, then the person will try to live up to the rest.

For example, I used to do driving assessments for a company with a national fleet of drivers with an average age of forty upwards. They were seasoned drivers with a bullet proof attitude and often drove with deliberate lack of due care to show me how much they cared about my presence. 

One went so far as to tailgate a milk float through London.

So it was very refreshing to have a younger driver who actually wanted to impress. He was nervous but he was clearly, being a good driver meant a lot to him.

I told him he displayed a natural driving talent and suggested he take it to the next level with advanced driving lessons. I could almost see him growing in stature as he took this in, and I knew without a doubt he would go on to live up to the reputation compliment.

It’s a powerful thing to do and it absolutely works. You can positively influence people with it. I’ve been given reputation compliments just a few times in my life, I can recall them and the people who gave them to me even when I can’t recall any other events for months either side, or people that were around at that time.

I will leave you with this final thought from the mind of Lao Tzu which I first heard in Margaret Thatcher, A.k.A The Iron Lady’s inaugural speech:

“Watch your thoughts for they become your words; watch your words for they become your actions; watch your actions for they become your habits; watch your habits for they become your character; watch your character for it becomes your destiny.”

Take care until next time, keep self developing, and spread the word about this podcast, I’ll be in your debt.

Meeting new people can be a bit like opening doors to unknown worlds. It's exciting, sometimes nerve-wracking, but it's an essential part of life. Whether you're starting a new job, networking, selling, attending a social event, or mingling at a party, making a great first impression and knocking it out of the park is a great confidence booster but its also not essential so long as you get it over the line. 

In this edition we will look at the whole eco system of first contact with another real live human being. The mental block, the approach and introduce, your opening line, your first impression, and how to do it much much better, because initiating conversations may just be the most important part of the whole socialising spectrum. After all, If you’re getting it wrong here, or avoiding doing it altogether, then nothing else has a chance of happening.

If you don’t plant a seed in the ground, vibrant flowers cannot grow from it. If there's no flowers then theres nothing for the bees to pollinate. If the bees can’t pollinate, there can be no honey, or indeed life itself. And despite how bleak the picture can sometimes look for the human race, and the way we treat each other, we still need each other. We all need someone to call our honey.

So how should I initiate my conversation with you today? Should I craft a whole introduction to hook your attention in hopes you will be intrigued enough to stay around for a longer conversation? Oh wait, I’m already doing that, after all, the first question that’s going to be on the mind of a person you’re approaching is going to be: ‘what does he/she want?’ 

The Invisible Mental Wall

As those of you that experience anxiety at the idea of approaching and initiating conversation with new people will know, and I’m guessing that’s everyone, it’s not that simple. It can feel like theres an invisible mental wall in the way right? Accompanied by the little voice in your head telling you not to do it, and giving you a shopping list of reasons (with diagrams) as to why not. 

‘You wont know what to say after the hello, and in about seven seconds they will see that you have

nothing going on’. Oh, and by the way, here’s some flashback of what happened last time.

That little inner voice can be really powerful right? So powerful in fact, it drowns out the other little voice that’s strenuously encouraging you to go for it.

The Power Of Inner Voices

You may have seen it in comedy movies where the main character has a charismatic and compelling little devil on one shoulder, whispering in their ear to do the naughty stuff, and an angel on the other shoulder trying to keep them out of trouble. But in the case of our two inner voices, the power dynamic of this little duo seems to have got reversed. The devilish voice is still the one telling you to go for it. but now it’s the angel with all the power of persuasion to keep you from doing it.

She still has your best interests at heart and genuinely wants to protect you from perhaps making a fool of yourself, while the devil knows that this is life and you’ve got to be in it to win it. There’s no good or bad concept attached to our two opposing inner voices, they’re both manifestations of your own brain looking out for your own interests, its just that their individual approaches tend to cancel each other out.

Overcoming Anxiety In Conversations

So how do we move beyond this never-ending little drama in our heads, and punch our way though the mental wall so we can begin initiating conversations like maestros, and put our worries for the rest of the conversation on ice?

This question is fairly generalised, so lets begin breaking it down until we get to a credible, usable answer.

A few minutes ago I suggested that everyone gets anxious about approaching and initiating conversations, and while that’s true, there’s a scale of anxiety, ranging from the intense anxiety, high end level that cripples our ability to take action, or even get close to the action without shaking from a fight or flight adrenaline overload, to the very low end where the anxiety voice is so quiet and relaxed that everyone gets a free pass to act on their impulses.

So a more helpful and specific question would be – ‘what is absent or present in the person that lives at the lower end of this anxiety scale, as opposed to the person living at the high end?’ Here’s my suggestion:

Self-Belief and Self-Image

A low anxiety person has an absence of fear, while having a presence of self-belief, and a good self-image.

That would mean, the higher up you are on the anxiety scale, the lower your self-image. So if you can rebuild your self-image, and by that I mean, to get to a point where you truly like yourself as a person both inside and out, you’re good at what you do, your inner voice has a positive encouraging vibe, you are worth it, as the advert says, then self-belief will follow. Do you agree? 

Question: which would make you feel more confident in an interview, wearing yesterdays grey trackies, or a suit that’s every bit as sharp as the interviewers? One places you beneath the status of the interviewer, makes you feel inferior, and leaves a poor impression, while the other makes you look and feel like equals.

Question: which would make you feel more confident in an interview, knowing nothing about the company and having no experience related to that companys industry, or going in having researched the company and knowing you are a good candidate for the job, and that they would be lucky to have you?

No need to answer, it’s obvious right? Initiating conversations with new people are not interviews, but a really good self-image and self-belief will crush the impostor syndrome, and completely transform how you perform, and the other persons first impression of you.

Addressing A Poor Self-Image

If you’ve identified that you have a poor self-image, you put yourself down and speak badly of yourself, then begin working on this today. For those of you that do have a good self-image, or are actively working to improve on it, you will have noticed that the mental barrier either doesn’t really exist for you, or that it can no longer contain you.

Self-belief is a powerful antidote for the fear, after all, what do most of our social fears revolve around? Making a bad impression? Saying the wrong thing and looking stupid or naive? Not knowing what to say? 

When you have a good self-image, like who you are, and believe you bring value, naturally you don’t worry about saying something the other person disagrees with, and being secure in yourself means you’ll be just fine if the other person doesn’t get an immediate glowing impression of you, that’s their problem, not yours.

...Unless you actually are in an interview!

Look! clearly, building a great self-image is not an overnight fix, there’s no instant hack, especially if you’re at the high end of the anxiety scale, and if you are there, its for a reason. Something pushed you there, bad experiences that etched themselves onto the inner wall of your mind and divided your inner world. But what brings you back down is finding reasons to like yourself then giving them a leading role in your life.

There’s an expression, no doubt you’ve heard it, and maybe even been told it at some time – pull yourself together. It’s another way of saying become self-congruent, or pull those divided parts of your personality back together and into agreement with itself. 

One prime example of that would be your little devil and angel, they want the same things for you, i.e. to be liked and respected, and to not be hurt, its just that they have opposite strategies for getting you there.

It’s so important to approach yourself first, like and be congruent with yourself, know yourself. When you’re at that point, hesitation and dithering is removed, and confident decision-making comes in for, among other things, approaching others and breaking the ice with them. 

All of this doesn’t mean now putting your life on hold for a year until you’re happy with your self-image, it's simply a direction to be moving in while you get on with life, go to work, climb the corporate ladder or even start your own business. Continue interacting, doing your hobbies, going to the movies…

Lessons From The Big Screen

Speaking of the movies, they have provided many moments of entertainment, showing an awkward male character trying to pull the female lead who is inevitably unimpressed or dismissive of their weak or lame openers and one liners. Or it may go the other way and the lead male speaks with such clear, clean eloquence that you’re left with a bereft feeling that this is the impossibly high bar you have to emulate in the real world in order to just get your foot in the door with a girl.

So just remind yourself from time to time that those blockbuster movies have a world class script writer behind it, and that the scenes were rehearsed and shot many times in order to strike those perfect romantic onscreen moments, complete with atmospheric music.

And if we can do that, forgive the movies for making us feel inadequate, and forgive our own imperfect clueless, sometimes cringing words when our moments arrive, then there are lessons to be learned from the movies that are NOT beyond our reach to emulate.

At the time of thinking about this subject for the podcast, a movie was newly released onto Netflix called ‘Love again’, and being a movie addict I stopped what I was doing and sat down to watch. For your viewing and listening pleasure I’m going to share a little clip, and share two valuable lessons that this movie, and many others have demonstrated, and that if you take to heart, will dramatically improve your first contact moments.

Lesson number 1. KISS. No not that kind of kiss, the keep it simple stupid kind. Theres some very good news you need to know about when it comes to making contact with someone for the first time, the magic is in the simplicity. Confidence radiates from simplicity in the absence of trying too hard. You might think that confidence comes from pushing the boundaries, saying something clever, edgy, or ironically cheesy, but the trying-too-hard vibe is what comes through instead. 

A clean and genuine observation that speaks the truth is all you need for that initial opener, for example: ‘Hi, I saw you from over there and thought you looked like someone I would like to talk to.’ Or if you’re at a wedding: ‘Their engagement lasted so long, I was beginning to think this day would never come.’ 

In our movie ‘Love again’, when the first contact moment comes, Rob, our main male lead, is standing at the bottom of some stairs at an opera when he sees Mira, the main female lead, walking down. She feels his attention on her and so begins their first contact moment. The full scene follows a formula of:

1. observation

2. question

3. insight.

We will join it for the first two because in isolation, they are really good examples of genuine uncomplicated interaction. There are no spoilers in this clip but feel free to skip if you do plan to see it - and I highly recommend you do.

So, Rob’s observation was that they both like comfortable footwear. It was a great icebreaker and they had a joke over it, then he moved on to an open question: ‘did you like the show?’ A perfect example of a relevant question that opens up a conversation rather than trying to impress.

It was only when they got to the insight moment when Rob shared his thoughts on the show, that movie scripting now took over, and spontaneous real world dialogue would have struggled to compete.

Being Self-Congruence

Lesson number 2. Have a thing. This goes back to what I was saying earlier about becoming self-congruent, finding those things to like about yourself, and allowing them to define you. In the movie, Rob loved music and it made up a big part of his personality, defining his job, how he enjoyed his spare time, and what he liked to talk about.

When Mira asked him what else he liked besides music, he didn’t hesitate to say basketball and when she asked why, he had a deep and insightful reason, which he expressed perfectly as though it was a life philosophy he followed every day.

Again, movie scripting takes the scene to a place where spontaneous real world dialogue would struggle to follow, but being self-congruent means asking the question of yourself first and knowing why you like what it is you like, or what drives you to do what you do, even if you can’t express it in such perfect movie terms.

To take a quote from another movie ‘We bought a zoo,’ Encouraging his son to approach and talk to a girl, Matt Damons character says: ‘All it takes is twenty-one seconds of insane courage,’ that’s not a lot when you count up all the seconds that comprise your life.

Summary Of Key Points

In order to supercharge your first contact moments and first impressions with others:

First, work towards being a person you like. Define your passions, understand your drivers. Why do you like what you like. What’s your origin story? How did that passion begin? What value do you think it adds to you and others? If you feel like you have little going on, you lack experiences and passions, interrogate your past and find the dormant interests, they will be there. Go out and start collecting new experiences, even if you’re alone at first.

Second, and very much linked to the first, have a thing. In the movie, Robs thing was music, Miras thing when socialising was to ask ‘would you rather’ questions such as 'would you rather have silent but uncontrollable gas for your entire life, or loud uncontrollable sneezing.' And of course, when Rob asks her why, she is always asking ‘would you rather’ questions she is ready and prepared with a specific reason.

Third, if you’re going to approach someone for whatever reason, and in whatever context, do it with confidence. This means having a purpose for the interaction and not getting ahead of yourself with overthinking. Take Mel Robbins advice if you like, count down from five to one and get yourself moving. Look good and straighten your posture as you do, these are easy wins. And if the other person looks at you, don’t look away.

Fourth, know what your superficial commonalities are that you can gain a quick connection with. Wherever you are, there will be a common link that brought you both there such as at a wedding. Attending an evening class at a local uni. At a dinner table on a cruise ship and so on. Make an observation, follow up with an open question, and be self-congruent enough to have insights.

Fifth, remember the magic lies in the simplicity. Your observations, questions, insights, opinions can be designed to try and impress another person or they can be designed to simply move a conversation. Others can sense when you’re trying too hard and they may forgive it in the beginning if you have other qualities, but in reality you’re broadcasting a lack of confidence. 

Finally, don’t confuse a lack of confidence for nerves. In our movie clip, Rob displayed some superficial nerves and stumbled over a few of his words, but he still projected confidence because he had a good self-image and knew that he had value.

Thanks for reading, and don’t forget, you can also now listen or watch 'Feel the fear and do great first impressions anyway,' as a video podcast. Take care and until next time, keep self-developing. By the way, what would you choose, silent uncontrollable gas, or loud uncontrollable sneezing? 

Now, if you’ve ever read books, articles, or watched videos on this subject they will all tell you that small talk is like a springboard you have to use to leap to the bigger topics, or dive to the deeper stuff if you prefer your metaphors sunny side down.

In this edition I’m going to come at it from a different angle by offering you a fresh take on small talk, showing you how to plough straight through the middle of it like a combine harvester in a wheat field with rocket boosters, how to do it, and why this is better than trying to bypass small talk altogether.

Entering Small Talk at the First Level

So lets get the ball rolling on ‘empowering your small talk game and losing the awkward silences’, by just agreeing between ourselves what small talk actually is. Small talk, or surface level talk is based on what you can see, or what is happening in your immediate environment. It takes very little effort to find something to comment on, or to ask a superficial question about.

The good old weather, food if there’s food, other people, a speaker if you’re at an event, what the other persons wearing. This is all shallow surface level material and if your conversations routinely get stuck here, trying to milk a surface level subject neither of you is really interested in, in order to delay the arrival of the awkward silence, who wouldn’t feel like running the other way at the prospect of socialising... Unless you’re two weathermen perhaps.

What Drives a Fear of Small Talk

But did you pick up on what the actual fear was in that scenario? And did it resonate with you? Not being able to think of any other subject to grow the conversation with, and the inevitable arrival of an awkward silence. And that’s a real concern which speaks to a lack of confidence and social skills if your mind can’t readily think of other subjects, or find a way to grow its way out of the current subject.

That initial comment or question should be nothing more than a knock on the door of somebody elses attention. The type of response you get is your feedback from them as to whether they are open to passing some time in a conversation with you.

I think you’ll agree on this much though, you can’t just march up to a stranger and start talking about the climate, plastic surgery or whatever those big topics of interest are for you. There has to be some sort of introduction to get things started, and usually some intermediary talk in order to get the measure of each other, or tune into each others frequencies if you like.

Now I don’t know about you but I’m not counting introductions as small talk. And if you’re already bored by the introduction, then I recommend getting off Toktok because it’s ruining your attention span.

So, fear of the awkward silence, lack of social skills, lack of interest, a lack of patience are all potential drivers behind an aversion to small talk, after all, once you’re talking about stuff you know well and enjoy, then your mind can flow with knowledge and experiences to fuel the conversation, and you can begin enjoying the interaction. But sometimes there are drivers behind why people are deliberately keeping their talk small.

Why Introverts Crave Connection But Stay Alone

Think of this as being one of those delightful little contradictions that shy, socially anxious, and introverted people (to different degrees) have to wrestle with. We want to be in company but we choose to be alone. We want to be engaging in bigger topics, but we choose to stay small. Here are a few drivers behind these contradictions.

First is to guard against revealing anything about ourselves because we think we’re uninteresting, and by resisting sharing anything real, the other person will hopefully think we’re mysterious rather than boring.

Second, we’re not good at debating or arguing, so if someone starts pulling our ideas, opinions or beliefs apart, we’re not articulate enough to defend them, and there’s not much more frustrating than that.

Third is trust. We’re guarded and don’t trust the other person with our deeper thoughts. Certainly if you’ve revealed stuff about yourself in the past and got burnt for it when they later used it against you in some way, or gossiped about you, it’s hard not to assume the next person will do the same.

Fourth, you’re a power player. Whooo, what does that one mean? Well let’s suppose you’re happy to learn about the other person but you don’t want them to know as much about you. This type of play always makes a conversation or meeting unbalanced and unlikely to lead to a second one as I witnessed very starkly on a celebrity dating show.

When Conversation Becomes Shallow in Reality

In case you’ve not seen reality TV shows like these before, the format is to video two strangers in a restaurant having a blind first date, and all the subsequent awkwardness that comes with it. The popularity of these shows soon led to a celebrity dating agency version where one celebrity would go on multiple first dates over the course of several episodes in the hopes of finding – the one.

One particular celebrity just couldn’t secure a second date and he didn’t understand why, particularly as he felt he was very charming and charismatic. The feedback from his dates revealed that they found him to be very shallow. Watching the episodes it was clear he was gatekeeping anything of substance about himself, and thought this would go unnoticed if he was a good listener and encouraged the other person to talk more about themselves.

If you’ve read books like ‘How to win friends and influence people,’ you would be forgiven for thinking he had the right approach, but this book is over a hundred years old. Today you’re expected to share on an equal basis.

Our celebrity, felt he had good reason to be guarded against revealing anything personal, but all he achieved was to leave his dates with a feeling they had been short-changed and that he was shallow.

So the lesson for this minor celebrity really was to perhaps get over himself a little bit, and to get out of the shallow levels of conversation. 

The Five Levels of Conversation

• Level one is the surface level, the immediate stuff in your environment.

• Level two is the information level where you reveal things about yourself like hobbies, likes and dislikes, what you do for work etc.

• Level three is the opinion level where you reveal what you think and believe about different issues

• Level four is the emotions level where you reveal how you feel about things, and

• Level five is the relationship level.

So our celebrity was keeping his conversation deliberately at levels one and two, while encouraging his dates to reveal stuff about themselves at levels three and four, which meant they were never on the same level as each other and couldn’t really connect.

Imagine if the characters in movies always kept their conversations at level one and two? Cinemas would be closing down all over the place right? Fortunately script writers know this so the opposite happens and big screen romance conversations routinely begin at level three or four.

You probably hadn’t noticed, but trust me, this is what happens in movies, watch out for it the next romcom you watch and you’ll see no time is wasted on small talk. However, try applying the movie formula in real life and it would go down well, you’ll see with my example in a few minutes.

Fortunately we have more than and hour and a half to tell our stories, so we don’t need to force the conversation, but what if we wanted to anyway? What would that look like? Well, there’s a wrong way and a right way. Let’s go back to the levels where I will illustrate what the wrong way would look like, then I will show you the right way.

Expanding the Five Levels of Conversation

Indulge me for a moment as I add another level to the previous five, and thats the ground zero level. This level is usually occupied by the shy, the socially anxious, and the introverts whose social batteries are running low. At this level we’re keeping quiet and trying to go unnoticed in groups. This can be a very isolating and toxic strategy. I know.

As we’ve seen, there’s a logical progression to these conversation levels and going from ground zero

to level three or higher in order to bypass the small talk can be very challenging.

Imagine this for a moment, you’re on a plane getting a free ride while everyone else has paid for their seats. Sounds pretty good so far, right? This is the quiet person in the group that’s not joining in for whatever reason. Now lets extend this metaphor and imagine there’s a table set up on this plane and the passengers are having a game of poker. They’re all talking, laughing, bonding, and winning money - or making mad cheddar as they would say on one of my favourite shows - Breaking Bad.

But the ground zero guy isn’t even at the table, they’re standing back in the shadows, watching while everyone is bonding, except for them. From ground zero it’s possible to move up to level one just by coming to the table, sitting down and saying hi, this looks like a good game. Ground zero guy however, would find it much harder to come in at level two or higher, because this would require offering some information about themselves, and that would attract more attention on them.

On the other hand, a level one dweller can smoothly move up to information level two by saying something like - I’m good at poker, I played it a lot when I was younger, deal me in. Now they’ve revealed something about themselves without over-sharing, and given others a way to respond, such as by asking who they learned it from, or who they played poker with when they were younger etc.

What Happens When You Skip The Small Talk Levels

Now lets try jumping into this conversation at a higher level to see what it might look like. You sit down at our poker table and start talking about how you learned poker from your dad when you were younger, but now you think the game is for losers because it turned him into a gambling addict who lost all the familys money and got into trouble with loan sharks which led to even more serious consequences.

Who wouldn’t feel, uncomfortable, bummed out, and unsure how to respond?

Regardless of that, it’s was still easier for our character in this scenario to go straight in at opinions levels three and emotions level four because a common interest was already established, i.e. Poker. But what if you leapt straight in to a conversation at these levels without first doing your small talk due diligence and finding the common interests?

Now you could find yourself over-sharing on a subject that nobody has interest in. So clearly, unless you’re with established and trusted friends, don’t be to quick to skip the levels that enable you to find common interests and common ground.

Getting to Better Conversations Faster

This leads us neatly into the right way of using the levels In order to get to the better conversations faster. First off its crucial to find a common interest first so that you both find the conversation interesting. If you’ve ever found yourself captive while someone waffles on endlessly about something they’re passionate about, but you have zero interest in, and I’m sure you have, then you know exactly what I mean.

The secret then to reducing the time you spend in the weeds of small talk is… drum roll… Intention. The deliberate intention to employ social skills for finding common interests. Think this sounds like hard work? It’s not, infact when you have a goal for the small talk, then the small talk can become interesting in itself as you become the hunter.

Think of it a little like grouse shooting, you send a dog in to find and send a bird into flight. T

he grouse in this metaphor being the common interest of course.

Instead of dropping a dog into the conversation, you drop a low level topic question such as what’s your favourite movie, music, hobbies etc. But you might want to start with a question based on a topic of interest to you. I love the cinema and theatre, so I might ask a question like ‘Given a choice would you prefer to go to a movie, the theatre, or the opera?’

Hunting The Common Interests

As a common interest hunter you’re looking for any small change in their energy that would indicate interest, and you’re also listening for key words in the response. If they perked up and said, ‘I’ve always wanted to go to the theatre and see Les Miserables,’ we’ve just been given some information and a key word.

Many people in the small talk zone, on a date, or wherever the interaction is taking place, make the mistake of not picking up on the keyword and instead turn the topic spotlight on themselves. ‘Me, I prefer the movies, have you seen the brutalist yet?’

Soon enough this strand of conversation withers out to an awkward silence, instead of elevating to levels three and four where you can share opinions and feelings on Les Miserables, how you relate to particular characters, and then perhaps other musicals that have been adapted to film, and visa versa. The general experience of going to a theatre compared to a cinema and so on.

This is how a conversation maestro uses small talk as fuel to rapidly elevate the conversation by using active listening and being present in the conversation to hear the keywords and interest cues. Maybe the other person showed little interest in the subject, so you try out a different one. Here again is where awkward silences can creep in when we can’t think of anything to say so instead start scanning the room for a surface level comment.

In my program ‘The Conversation Maestro Method.’ One of the first strategies I teach is called ‘Ten topics in your pocket.’ It contains the ten topics that most often come up in conversation. More importantly I teach you how to recall any of these topics at the click of a finger.

Don’t forget, there’s another person in your conversation, and they may be asking you questions too. Chances are those questions will be based on one of those ten topics, so you need to know where you stand on each of them. And here lies another common mistake. Lets say our example question was asked of us, ‘Given a choice would you do a movie, theatre, or the opera?’ What would you say?

Whatever your response was, did it include any extra information? Like why you would choose the theatre or the opera? This extra information, or kindling as I like to call it, is what the other person can use to continue the conversation with.

You may have heard conversations as being likened to a game of tennis where the conversation ball is hit back and forth. By providing kindling in your responses you’re doing the equivalent of hitting the ball back, but if you only give a matter-of-fact response like, ‘I prefer the movies’, all you’re doing is catching the ball and stopping the flow.

Have I changed your opinion on the value of a little small talk? Or at least demonstrated its importance in social settings? To conclude, Don’t try and leap over the small talk with new people, but also, avoid getting bogged down by it.

Instead become a game hunter of common interests by asking open questions and actively tuning in for interest cues, then asking them more about it. In effect, giving the other person permission to talk more about their interest. If it’s not exactly in your own zone of interest at least the conversation is moving, which means it can be steered gently towards related interests of your own. Happy hunting.

Until next time, take care and keep self-developing.

The Silent Struggle

Ever felt the chains of silence weighing you down in a room full of lively conversations? In a team meeting? In a small group? Or even just one on one with another person who is doing all the talking? You're not alone. This silent struggle is a reality for many, and it’s not just an inevitable trait of personality. Whether you’re silent because your mind has gone blank, robbing you of your thoughts, or whether you’re silent by intention to make yourself more invisible, your confidence and self-esteem are victims one and two.

Invisibility comes in different feelings, such as feeling invisible, feeling not all there, feeling ignored, feeling like a ghost, feeling safe, even feeling powerful, after all, many would choose invisibility for a super power right? But when it comes to socialising it can also feel toxic to your soul and your mental health. In this edition we’re going to dive into this issue with a great sense of urgency and need for breaking free from this toxic invisibility trap with the seven stages of silent to socially confidence.

This is particularly for you if you find yourself the quietest one in any conversation, or you’re just looking for some breakthrough insights in how you can better represent yourself and unlock the doors to social and career improvement.

The Silent Victims

Silence in social settings is often a good barometer of our sense of self-worth. Imagine (if you need to) constantly battling thoughts like:

• ‘Will what I say make sense or will they shake their heads and roll their eyes?’

• ‘What if they laugh or mock my opinions and then gossip about me later?’

• ‘What if I’m challenged to back up what I’m saying and I can’t, I’m going to look stupid’

• ‘What if I speak up and someone else starts speaking at the same time?’

If any of these internal thoughts regularly stop you from speaking up, here’s a reminder of something you probably already know, that little inner voice is just a radio beacon from your past, it has no idea if those fears will materialise today. But it believes they will, and if we believe something will happen, then the chances of it actually happening dramatically increase as happened to me in spectacular fashion during a best man speech.

Having discovered memory techniques for the first time back in the mid-nineties, it led to me saying yes when a colleague asked me to be his best man, such was my confidence in these newfound techniques. The wedding was still months away and at that moment I truly believed I could memorise and deliver my speech without notes. But as the wedding drew closer, so my inner voice grew louder and more panicked with the more powerful belief that my mind would go blank, as it so often did in social settings. It encouraged me to imagine the humiliation of standing before a crowd of people restlessly looking back at me in a widening silence while I desperately rack my brain for any scraps of my forgotten speech.

This imagined scenario turned into reality barely thirty seconds into my actual speech with a side serving of cheeks blushing and hands shaking from the excess of fight or flight adrenaline coursing through me, reexperiencing that feeling you got as a child when you’d been sent to the headmasters office and he would be glaring down at you waiting for an explanation, only now there was a room full of headmasters glaring back.

Who were the victims in that scenario? Well I sure felt like a victim of my brain, but everyone else in the room was a victim too. They didn’t get to hear the full and fabulous speech I had crafted, and the groom got a stain of the memory of his wedding instead of a great and uplifting moment.

The Beliefs Factor

Beliefs have the power to blind and bind. You believe your mind will go blank and it does. You believe you are boring and it causes you to be so. You believe others are gossiping about you behind your back and you go and give them reasons to. While your brain has you bound up, raging at yourself and squinting with suspicion at everyone else, wondering what they’re thinking of you, time is passing and those toxic self-beliefs keep on burrowing into your psyche until they reach the core of your self-image and begin to define you.

The irony is, the quieter you are in company, and the more invisible you try to make yourself in groups, the more visible you become. Don’t believe me? Try a little perceptual positions exercise for a moment. Think back to the last time you were with a group of people talking together. Got something? Now float up above that memory and look down on it, see the animated, engaged body language of those in the group, then see your own body language. Everything about you is a little different right? Everything is coordinating to make you look smaller, and get you closer to the goal of invisibility, from your subdued energy to your posture, to where your eye gaze falls, to the volume of your voice, to the number of words you contribute when you do speak.

Hey look, if you really want to become invisible in a social group, the trick is to do the exact opposite and match the energy of everyone else in the group, because people are more trusting of those they deem to be similar to them. Then they consciously relax and notice you less because there’s nothing to see here, nothing to be on guard against because If you’re similar on the outside, you must be similar on the inside too right? Those that are acting differently on the other hand, must therefore be thinking differently too, and so cannot be trusted.

Okay, so that’s all very interesting but what we’re getting into there is the subject of rapport and body language which we’ll cover in a different episode. Back to the subject of becoming visible, coming out of your shell, and unapologetically owning your place in this world and in your interactions, because if anyone is mocking, rolling their eyes, or gossiping about you it’s down to one of two things only. Either:

1. You’re not with the right people for you, or

2. You’re hiding the real you from the world and throwing soundbites out at it when it looks your way.

If you’re with the wrong people, then the solution is not just to purge those people from your life, but to address the second point and then let the right people be attracted to you. Okay so what does that mean in reality? Simply put, and here I invite you to tune in again if your attention has started drifting, this is not only the secret to transforming your social life, it’s the secret to having a good life.

The Seven Stages

If you’ve been hiding in plain sight and making yourself invisible in social settings, whether that’s by design, or whether your brain has been bullying you into doing it, it’s probably because you don’t like yourself enough, and you don’t want others to see the negatives that you see in yourself. With that in mind, the solution becomes obvious, find a way to start liking yourself with the following seven steps of invisible to socially confident as folllows:

1. Take a time out from your life, during which time…

2. You stop worrying about how others are perceiving you

3. Stop reading books, blogs, and videos looking for tips, techniques and weird little tricks for starting conversations, getting out of conversations, speaking up, being more assertive, having better eye contact, being more likable and on and on and on, after all, you’re only going to forget them once you’re in an actual conversation.

4. Start focusing on yourself, find ways to start liking yourself. Realise your strengths, develop your passions, and develop the relationship with yourself first.

5. Lose the toxic friendships and associations (where you can), and find new groups aligned with your passions and goals. After all you are the sum of the five people you hang out with most.

6. Learn a few assertiveness and conversation skills and put them into practice as you start socialising again.

7. Finally, relax and embrace the imperfection of it all. We’re not robots, your mind will still sometimes go blank, your opinions will be challenged. You might get things wrong, as will others. They will still get distracted and talk over you. And if you embrace these things with a self-deprecating smile instead of becoming defensive, embarrassed, or annoyed, others will relax and enjoy your company so much more. After all, as the saying goes, who’s gonna care a hundred years from now.

What I think this seven stage process exposes is the bad advice you may have been getting your whole life, i.e put yourself out there more, start speaking up more, otherwise known as exposure therapy. This stage of developing yourself into a confident socialiser should always be one of the final stages, never the first. Without the foundation building stages, your personal brand, the person you are presenting to the world will always be built on a house of cards.

One of those tiny life moments happened to me just a week ago, had it happened before going through those seven stages, I would have been left feeling angry, as though I had been the target of a deliberate group snub.

So I’m sitting around a table in a meeting with about fifteen people, mostly we didn’t know each other. The lead person in this meeting encouraged anyone with advice that would help the rest of the group to share it as we went along. At one point I spoke up and began sharing some very good advice. The group was engaged and listening to me, but the lead person soon became distracted by sunlight that was suddenly streaming into the room through some venetian blinds, she muttered something to those nearest her at the table and got up to start closing the blinds. This distraction now spread to the better part of the room and my advice got lost in it. I wasn’t asked to repeat myself and the meeting rumbled on.

I didn’t feel angry, snubbed, ignored or disrespected, I simply reminded myself the lead person was probably anxious which caused her to be a little too much in her own head which then prevented her from being fully present in the room. Now, full confession, putting myself through the seven stages in order to go from full on conspiracy theorist, thinking the whole world was against me, and making myself invisible, to being a secure, at ease, and socially confident, took well over fifteen years, most of that time I was stuck at stage three, convinced the answers were to discover more and more strategies until that illusive and magical final strategy revealed itself and transformed me.

It took that long to realise the magic strategy didn’t exist, freeing me up to move on to stage four where the real transformation takes place. I hope it doesn’t take fifteen years for you to move to stage four, in fact I’m counting on it and I’ll keep reminding you of it if you want to be my constant companion in this podcast. I will also remind you from time to time that should you wish for a roadmap through stages four, five, and six, check out my conversation maestro method and personal brand activation system at www.thesocialskillsdoctor.com

Finding Your Voice

Finding your voice is not just about speaking. It’s about daring to be heard, believing in your perspective, and trusting in your personal brand, or self-image. The world is richer for the conversations you bring to the table. You may not believe that til you hit stage five so just trust me for now. Speak up. Your voice matters. It’s important to remember that everyone has unique experiences and insights that can contribute to a conversation.

If you’ve recognised yourself as having the traits I’ve been describing, if you’ve been making yourself invisible so others don’t put their attention on you to speak, and I can encourage you to take one thing away from this episode today then its this – those beliefs you’ve been using as an excuse to stay quiet, those things you’ve been telling yourself like, small talk is boring that’s why I’m being quiet, I only want to talk about deeper stuff. I’m staying quiet because this person clearly prefers the sound of their own voice. Every time I speak, they interrupt and talk over me so why bother? Yes, you’re not alone in having these thoughts, but they’re just smoke and mirrors put up by your brain to keep you safely within the narrow confines of your comfort zone. Remember stage seven of getting from silent to socially confident.

Until next time, take care and keep self-developing.

When you settle in for a movie or your favourite TV show you are signing a mental contract to suspend reality for a little while in order to give yourself over to the drama and be entertained by a fantasy version of life, and perhaps indulge in wishing you were more like the main character. Wishful thinking is relatively harmless but what if, while that movie or sitcom was giving you some much needed escapism into a more exciting world than you currently inhabit, its ultra filtered dialogue was also stealing your social confidence and contributing to a sense of insecurity?

Many articles have been dedicated to a similar phenomenon in the fashion and beauty industry where a gulf is created between reality and the fantasy of becoming more like the slim airbrushed cover models. In movies and TV it’s the dialogue that’s being airbrushed, but because it’s far less visible, it mostly bypasses our conscious awareness like a Trojan horse and goes straight for the subconscious where it quietly spreads its seeds of insecurity.

In the space of one movie or one episode of your favourite TV show, hundreds of these dialogue seeds can spread across your subconscious with the message that this is how interesting, funny, charismatic people naturally speak. These are the levels of social skills you should be aspiring to if you want to be liked, noticed, and accepted by others.

The most significant thing about all this is that unlike your conscious working memory that can distinguish reality from make believe, the subconscious cannot filter fantasy from reality, truth from lies, which is why we can so easily suspend reality for a film and allow ourselves to be drawn into the story and plight of the characters.

In this article, we’re going to expose seven different movie social skills that are quietly seeding these confidence stealing messages, and ask which ones we can actually adopt and use for our social interactions, and those we should avoid – like the plague.

The Gulf Between Movie Dialogue and Real-World Conversations

1. Delivery

On the big screen, dialogue flows like a river of silk—smooth, witty, and utterly flawless. In other words, airbrushed. Characters manage to deliver profound statements in neat little packages just as their coffee arrives or another character enters. But in real life? It’s the complete opposite and our sentences often end up resembling a stoned panda bear.

The thoughts you hold may be as smooth and undiluted as movie dialogue but by the time they arrive at your mouth, and the verbal word version of your thoughts have been launched from your lips into the conversation, a lot of pollution and filler has entered your sentences.

There is of course good reason why movie dialogue has all the fat removed from it. A movie run time is limited to about ninety minutes, therefore the characters must deliver a concentrated version of their humour, intellect, empathy etc. in order to connect with the audience as well as make their love interest fall for them in a much shorter space of time. Even when they seem to be complete opposites.

Back to reality. Here you have three obstacles between you and a perfect delivery:

First: is your timing. You have almost definitely had those times when you launched into speaking only to find others were not listening.

Second: your ‘thoughts into words’ translator may be pumping to many filler words into your sentences because you are speaking faster than your brain can convert.

Third: your inner translator may be jumbling your key points, due to lack of speaking practice or anxiety, forcing you to backtrack and lose your audience – If! you ever had them in the first place.

2. Interrupting

Just imagine for a moment if you could step into your favourite TV show or Movie and have a conversation with someone there using movie etiquette. You would certainly have a very different social experience. One where every time you spoke, the other person or group of people, listened and waited until the very last drop of your sentence had landed before speaking themselves. If you’ve never noticed this before, it’s because good movie dialogue is going straight to your subconscious where things are not analysed or challenged as they are in the conscious working memory, therefore airbrushing is less likely to be noticed.

The next time you watch a show or movie, pay attention to how disciplined all the characters are in waiting their turn to speak. Even those speaking in groups such as a certain TV sitcom where the characters get a sofa in the middle of a busy coffee shop, seemingly for their own exclusive use. Give this group of friends a regular and abundant amount of news to share with each other, such as a breakup, a new romance, a pregnancy, a job interview, a job sacking, becoming a surrogate mother for your long lost brother, and still they resist talking over a friend to share. Now, in reality we all know how messy and undisciplined conversation can be in a group, even with the most banal gossip, but put this level of juicy movie gossip into the hands of mere mortals navigating life in the wild and you would probably get trampled by the interruptions.

Of course, TV and movie gossip is not real so the urgency and sense of competition to get their news out is absent, whereas in real life the sense of excitement and urgency to speak can feel akin to a crowd waiting for the doors to open on the first day of black Friday sales.

3. Material

If you still think its fair to compare your own level of social skills against movie social skills then this one more than all others should put things into perspective. Take your top most successful sitcoms like 'Friends' who act out their scenes with perfect timing, and just know those scenes were brainstormed and scripted, not just by one good script writer, but a team of world class writers, bouncing ideas off each other, then testing them out to see if they get a big enough laugh to make the cut.

Contrast that a real-life raw conversation, operating with no test runs, no rehearsals, no team of script writers, but instead where you have to rely on your own brain, your own limited set of experiences, and your personal ability to think on your feet.

If small talk and everyday conversations seem boring to you it’s no wonder, nobody can compete with movie social skills. And the chances of you having Phobe Waller Bridge on speed dial to call for help to spice up your dialogue, like the makers of the last James Bond movie did, is very slim indeed.

4. Giving advice

Any time anyone is upset, has a problem, or is in some kind of crisis in the movies, how do movie friends respond? With compelling anecdotes naturally. Once you start noticing them on the screen you wont be able to stop noticing because characters dishing out anecdote advise is everywhere. And it comes down to this, whenever someone is facing a crisis in TV or Movie land the other person in the scene somehow always has a memory of a similar experience and can instantly recall and deliver it with maximum impact.

Okay, so that’s how its done in the movies but what about real life? Well the exchange usually happens in one of three ways.

1. We start throwing out our own solutions to the other persons problem, which is apparently more of a male thing, and admittedly annoying at best and patronising at worst. After all, it’s highly unlikely we are qualified to solve your problem, and chances are, our solution is probably the first thing you thought of for yourself.

2. We start scrambling out reassuring platitudes and cliches like – ‘there’s plenty more fish in the sea’.

3. Which is to stay silent and hope you think we’re just being a good listener, when in reality we got awkward and didn’t know what to say when stuff got real.

Of these three approaches, silence is probably the best because lets face it, the other person wasn’t asking for advise or hollow platitudes, they just wanted to be heard and their pain acknowledged. What makes the movie anecdote so powerful is because listening to a story or anecdote is a form of escapism that can divert and provide advice indirectly. Problem is, in the real world, who has a relatable anecdote that has a suitable learning point or message of hope, let alone can recall it on the spot when a friend is sharing their troubles with you?

5. Connecting

If, so far you can say that you were fully aware of all the four previous movie social skills we have covered, then maybe this is the one that’s truly been flying under your radar. The way two strangers make a connection in movies is often very different to how we connect in real life. The reason is the same as for number one – delivery.

A movie only has a few hours of your attention for its characters to connect, form relationships, break up, learn something about themselves and life, then get back together again, whereas forming a new connection in real life can take place over a period of weeks or months and several meetups.

So here’s how it happens. Generally speaking there are at least five levels of communication, starting at surface level one where small talk begins by commenting about something in your environment such as the weather, followed by the information level where we learn about each other, work, hobbies, interests etc. three is opinions, four is emotions. And here is as far as we need to go because in real life, socialising moves fairly sequentially through these levels until we are familiar enough and trust the other person enough to share our level four emotion based material.

Connections will normally happen around information level two when we discover a common interest.

Now contrast this to the movies where the early levels are often bypassed in order to get to the drama and emotion at level four, so here is where our movie characters often connect. For example, when our two characters discover they have both experienced a similar emotional pain in the form of a breakup, a loss, or some kind of tragedy. But if you are thinking you can take the movie connection formula and apply it to real life then forget it. If you keep watching the movie you will inevitably see the relationship that burst into life at level four, die out just as quickly like a sugar rush.

6. One Liners

This one may just have the most harmful influence of all to real life interactions. This is the ‘first contact’ one liner where the boy wants to introduce himself to the girl, or visa versa, but is afraid of saying the wrong thing and blowing his chances. So far the movies and real life are matching each other right?

The problem arises when the scene unfolds in one of two ways, either the boy comes out with a very smooth introduction and the girl is swept off her feet, or he comes out with a mediocre, average, cheesy, or boring line and the girl dismisses him to the sound of her friends mocking laughter.

Approaching and making contact with someone you like for the first time in real life can be spring loaded with anxiety. What movies have done by portraying first contact through such a crash and burn lens is to magnify the idea that its going to take nothing short of a perfect introduction with equal parts humour, intelligence, and charisma all wrapped up in a single sentence that doesn’t sound like it’s trying too hard, just to get your foot in the door.

In reality, all it takes is a bit of courage to approach, or twenty-one seconds of insane courage as Matt Damon said in ‘We bought the zoo’, and a simple explanatory introduction like ‘Hi, I thought you looked interesting and wanted to come over and introduce myself’.

7. A Soundtrack

The presence of canned laughter and background music is not a movie social skill but it is included here because of its influence on TV and movies. Mostly this one cannot be translated to real life, after all, just imagine if you said something funny in a social setting then pulled out your phone and started playing a recording of canned laughter. Or you said something emotional then wheeled out a piano.

It would be absurd, fake, and the quickest way to earn a one-way ticket to the nearest asylum. But in sitcoms like Friends, Big bang theory, Two and a half men etc. the laughter of a live audience is a constant presence. In the movies something heartfelt said is often accompanied by swelling music to amplify the emotions being expressed. This background sound direction is shamelessly manipulating us yet you never see the men or women in white coats frog marching the characters away.

Okay lets summarise. Consider for a moment if you brought all seven of these elements together in a single scene, you would have witty, clear, concise insightful statements, delivered uninterrupted with perfect timing, a brief anecdote to help someone move on from, or resolve a problem, all accompanied by some background music to reinforce the emotions being expressed. And if the scene was well acted, which it would be because it would have been rehearsed and shot multiple times before you, the viewer, ever saw it, you would be so engrossed by the drama that you wouldn’t notice any of this.

When a character in a movie asks for a date and drops a dramatic line like “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her…” we are completely drawn in and emotionally invested. However, in everyday situations, professing your love is probably going to be full of anxiety, because the outcome is unscripted, unknown, and a lot rides on the outcome. You’re self-conscious, your sentences become confusing and littered with filler words, and the best you can hope for is that the person you are asking out, or perhaps proposing to, somehow finds your tongue-tied delivery as charming as Hugh Grants awkward Englishman signature deliveries.

That all said, there’s nothing wrong with learning from, and modelling movie social skills where its practical. So let’s wrap up by recapping the seven movie social skills and seeing which ones we can use to enhance our own social skills and confidence.

Which of the Seven Movie Social Skills Can We Adopt for real life

1. Delivery. We can probably all improve on this one in several ways. One of the key ways is to become more present and aware of the others you are interacting with. Formal social skills training is something very few people invest in, so their own skills and presence may be low. This means many people will be unable to focus on what you’re saying while they have something of their own to say. If you can train yourself to recognise when the other person has something they want to get out, allow them space to do so, they will then be less distracted when you speak.

2. Interrupting. We can control our own impulses to speak before the other person has finished, but can we control the other person? There are several things you can do to curb this interrupting behaviour, the most effective is to make yourself more compelling to listen to by ramping up the energy of your tonality and delivery. Purge the monotone from your voice and inject a bit of intensity and vibrance into how you sound.

3. Material. Your history is an extraordinary tapestry of material, but it can have a tendency of getting buried by the sands of time. Lets circle back to this one.

4. Giving advice in the form of anecdotes from your own past. Same answer as number three, lets circle back to it.

5. Connecting. As I said previously, movies have a habit of forcing their characters to connect and bond over personal issues and tragedies. In real life don’t go there too soon, its over sharing and makes people uncomfortable.

6. One-liners. Keep it simple and stay away from trying to give a perfect introduction. The simple intro is the confident one and that’s great news.

7. A soundtrack. This doesn’t translate to real life of course, unless you’re at home cooking for a date and want to put on some romantic background music. Otherwise, wait until you’re an eccentric billionaire and can afford to have a symphony orchestra and studio audience follow you around all day, then we’ll talk again.

Hi, my name’s Richard A.K.A The Social Skills Doctor. I’ve devised a brand new approach to building and fuel-injecting your social skills in ways that would frankly have been impossible until now with what I call ‘The Conversation Maestro Method’. It’s a social skills and personal brand activation system built on a fusion of specially developed conversation strategies and adapted memory techniques.

If you enjoyed this article, why not subscribe to the podcast version and listen on the go here

Until next time, take care and keep self-developing.